I don't just mean physically, although I could use a good deal more of that. Yeesh, have you seen my midsection lately? No? Good, it would terrify you, it does me. In any case, that's not the point of this particular post.
What I really need to stretch are those writing muscles. Not just the ones that pertain to the children's novels that I'm writing. Okay, have been writing. For several years in fact. Mainly I keep feeling like I'm just piddling away my God given talents at the current retail job that I work. I'm not trying to boast here, but really want to give God the credit. I've gotten compliments on my writing over the years. I was usually singled out in my writing classes as having a distinct, natural voice, and a talent for making what people read interesting to them. It's hard to think that all that was several years ago. No, this isn't an age thing, I can, and have been writing a several (dozen) page response to the notions that we have concerning aging and getting old and the wisdom that it supposedly brings. In any case, this post is about writing. More specifically the fight to get back into the habit.
Through the countless hours of web research (i.e. web surfing) I've read article after article that talks about how the best writers, the published ones, don't just languish. They don't sit idly by waiting for a big break, they go beating down the door to get one themselves. Yes, this is one of those kind of posts. It's not like me or my wife are strangers to having to do things the hard way. In fact, from being in debt to having to deal with my own catastrophic health issues a couple of years ago, we've been through a lot. She's fantastic for that. But here I am, after years of struggling through health issues and heartache, and I feel like I am starting at square one, whereas other people that I know are where I wish I was. It isn't really a jealousy thing, it's more of a weariness thing. I don't begrudge them, I guess I'm just tired of the long, hard road. But, if this is the life that God has made for me, then so be it. I will keep trying to do what it is that I feel that I am called to do. Be a writer.
However, because I am so weary, I've allowed myself to get out of shape in the writing department. I am surprised to admit this, but even though I love writing, it had started to become a chore not too long ago. I think that is why I've allowed myself to get so "out of shape" with it. The creative structure that I once prided myself on has atrophied. I sit here with lanky mental muscle after after nearly two years of only passing use. Sure, I write a character description here or there, maybe a snippet of something there, but it isn't the same as actually doing the stuff that progresses me towards a goal. Body builders probably have a goal in mind when they exercise, athletes who run marathons make it there goal to get the best time possible. So why haven't I been doing the heavy lifting? I guess that it is a bit of nervousness and anxiety. I think that there is too large a part of me that has allowed my heart to be affected by my current retail job. I mean, sure, millions of people out there just don't ever get the life they want or expect, so why shouldn't I expect more than the rest? I guess it's because it would be the same as having the world's most awesome exercise equipment, and just letting it sit there. I can't let this happen anymore. I know that some people talk about how they don't want to get to their 40's or 50's and wonder what happened. they can't conceive how they got to that age without having done more with their life. Well, I can't do that to myself, to my wife, or to these gifts that I've been given. I can't let another day, let another hour pass without trying harder to stretch out these writing muscles and get myself back in to shape writing wise.
Now, to be clear, I don't expect to be perfect here. I know that there are plenty of times in the past where I've "shown my resolve" and "really wanted to buckle" down, so I don't' want to place unrealistic expectations for an immediate, earth shattering change. Nor do I really want to let this new found enthusiasm simply go to waste.
I have to push myself, have to do the hard fight again.
And that's pretty daunting.
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