The Encroaching Horror of Clutter (Junk Journal Update #3)

I try so hard to not let the the general clutter of my apartment get to me.  "After all," I say to myself dutifully, "You have a child now and that means sometimes your home will get a bit untidy.  Everyone in the world experiences that, so it's no biggie.  Just deal with it."

Thanks for your lack of understanding brain.  This is exactly why I am writing the Junk Journals in the first place.

The problem is when I'm trying to work, trying to be creative, or even trying to do edits for my book on de-junking I get easily distracted when the clutter reaches a certain point.  I've spent months not only getting material for my Junk Journal book, but doing actual de-cluttering and cleaning as well.  However, with all of the cleaning has come an unforeseen consequence.  No, I'm not turning into a neat freak.  Perish the thought!  Rather, I've reached a new low-level of tolerance for paper piles, out-of-place knick-knacks, and dirty dishes.  Yes, this means when I straighten up things tend to look a whole world better than they did just a year ago; that doesn't mean I don't annoyed by it though.

How it looks...

How it feels

Truthfully, I feel like...well when I see a mess that's growing out of hand I feel like....

like....

KHAAAAAAAAAANNNN'T TAKE THIS MESS!

Pretty much.  I know it seems like I've gone to the dark side if that's my reaction to clutter.  Fear not though my fair followers of the type B path.  I think you know what I'm talking about when it comes to clutter that makes me reach a breaking point.  We may say that we are okay with a little bit of mess, or joke that our piles are "organized how we want them."  Truth is though we'll be heading to the coffee shops and libraries in a heartbeat to get out creative work done if those piles make the fatal mistake of getting too big or getting too unorganized.  

In fact, this has happened so many times, even after all the de-junking that I'll likely make a chapter in the book on how to deal with day to day clutter that occurs after the great-clean up in your own home takes place.  As it stands now though, for me general clutter is like an encroaching horror like something out of a Boris Karloff movie.  I get filled with a sense of looming dread as things stack up and piles appear.  I know they must be dealt with, I know that I need to take care of them and put them in the tomb--file folders and boxes I mean--that they belong to.  For now though, even after doing a thorough cleaning, I just want to escape when clutter rears its ugly head.

What's that you say?  

Why don't I just spend some time picking up the mess?

What a type A thing to say...oh, and...

Hahahah...

*catches breath*

That's a good one!  Ya got any more jokes like that?

Renewed Hope: Is it worth it?

As I sit here, I've become aware that my previous guesses about the individual (company?) that I sent an application for a writing job to was as swamped as I thought with another project and now is playing catch up with other ones.  So I have renewed hope that I will be getting a "call back," or whatever one might phrase it as, for this job.  Again, I want to remain vague about it because of several reasons:

1. It might be a NDA type deal where gabbling about details for the project are strictly taboo and would jeopardize the client's trust and or potential future jobs with said client.
2. I don't want to get unecessarily hyped up for really cool job that may not happen.  
3. If the job falls through/my secondary submission did not make the cut, I want to edit that submission and possibly use it in a future project if the client allows me to do so.  
4. I like to hedge my bets, so I've been trying to work ahead, at least in the research department, so that should I get selected for the job I will have a short turn around time for the "boss" of the project.  I'd rather be ready to go and firing on all pistons than trying to hit the ground running, but from behind....does that metaphor make sense?

So this leads me to a little life lesson that hopefully is chock full of condescension, pretension, elevation, and any other "-tions or sions" I may have missed.  Kidding aside, I want to make it clear that there's never a reason to give up hope on what can be done with a project.  Does the client cancel?  No biggie, just use what you've learned, and maybe even the work as well and turn it into a funny story or resume' enhancer.  Or maybe re-purpose it for later use.  As I slowly reclaim myself from the abyss that was my old retail job I am remembering the optimism I used to have over situations even when they seemed bad or turned out other than I had hoped.

I don't care if it sounds schmaltzy to say, but I will remain hopeful even when it seems the foolish and silly thing to do.  Heck, even if I don't get this particular job, that doesn't mean I can't try again later to try and get a job with this guy, and it doesn't mean that I've lost the chance to work on anything ever again and for all time.  I think while I was working that crummy job in the past, it tended to blindside me with such horrible things and poor treatment from management on a daily basis that I saw every failure as total closure of possible routes and futures.  It was a terrible thing to happen because in addition to the pervasive awfulness of the job, I tended to think one failure was all it took to either be at square one, or think that I should never try certain things ever again.

Different outlook now?  Yes and no.   As I said, I used to have a more upbeat, "keep-on-a-tryin'" attitude prior to the retail job going full evil mode.  I hope that if you read this and are in an awful job, have people in your life that scoff at being hopeful, or feel like every one else is living it up while your stuck in the doldrums--please try to get away from those bad influences and start anew.  I know it doesn't seem possible if you feel stuck in an awful job, but trust some one who knows from experience.  Such places can keep you from realizing your full potential.  If you're scared of what might happen if you leave, try even harder to get away from there.

It's easier to deal with fear of the unknown that it is to deal with a lifetime of regret.

To Contact or To Wait

So.

Enough time has passed since I applied for a certain job but have not heard back yet that I am beginning to wonder if I should contact the person in charge and see if they went with another person for the job.  However, it might just be that they have been busy with aspects of another project so they have not gotten around to contacting me yet.  This is where I am holding out hope at the moment.  That the job I could potentially get is something that was back-burnered for a time until the other project had wrapped.  As of a few hours ago, that project was nearly wrapped up.  The potential employer sent a tweet saying that they project was nearly complete, and now here sit.  Waiting.  Worrying.  And feeling large degrees of uncertainty and sadness.

I am now beginning to triple guess the writing sample that I sent along.  Did I pick the wrong subject matter?  Did I misunderstand the nature of the call-back?  Am I the one who botched it because I did not follow up in time? Is it time to assume that I am no longer in the running?  Did I not showcase my abilities well enough?

So many questions, and so much self-doubt.  Partially, I wish I had not tied so much on whether or not I would get this job.  I've had other jobs in the past that paid on more consistent basis and were closer to the creative writing that I so love and hope to produce a children's novel for.  But I really wanted this job.  I haven't had the opportunity to pursue opportunities--so to speak--until the past year or so.

I truly don't know what to do in this situation, and it is driving me crazy with worry that I'm going to make or have already made the wrong decision.  Reach out and contact?  Have patience and see what happens?  Hyperventilate or be cool as a cucumber.  (For the record, I don't really hyperventilate, but feel like if I worked on it I probably could make a fair attempt at such a thing.)

I will be good for now.  Good and patient and see what happens next.  But man, I really want to contact the potential employer.

Connections Oddly Felt: Exhausted Youtubers Edition

Jester's Note:  I started this entry a couple of weeks ago, but this was the beginning of several weeks of me, my wife, and my kid to a degree; getting sick and feeling off.  All of this has culminated in my wife needing gallbladder surgery that she'll be getting fairly soon.  I tried coming back to this particular blog and getting a feel for where I was at, but the truth is so much has happened since then and I need to make sure I am keeping my schedule up for my freelancer jobs.  Not that I plan on abandoning this blog, just that I haven't spent as much time as I normally would editing this as I don't want to screw up my own narrative.  I haven't looked at this post in a couple of weeks.

Anywho, things are finally getting on track, but I am a little tired and glad to finally be catching up:

So here is that post from couple weeks ago:



Weird envy and contemplation have mixed into a brew of wistful regret and determination today.

Funny how you can suddenly feel connected to a person you've never met when their circumstances mirror your own.  I mean, we experience connections to time to time with our close friends and family when they have stuff happen that parellels our own life, right?  Everything from growing up  so it is not totally unfimiliar to feel a connection to a person when they experience something that you find familiar.  Saturday morning cartoons and cereal.  Going to Chuck E. Cheese.  Renting Nintendo games.  These are just a few of the experiences I think are semi-universal for people in the 20-30's bracket like me.

However, there are certain experiences that I have had in life which I know very, very few people can relate to.  Sometimes I think friends forget or don't realize how much these "experiences" have effected my life, the way I live, the way I can live, and the choices I have made and will make.  I have been sick most of my life and in and out of hospitals since when I was a little younger than 10.  I've had my insides removed, re-sectioned, and poked and prodded more times than I care to recount.  I had more surgeries by the time I turned 30 than most people have had when they are twice my age.  It is almost like a boast, if racking up hospital debt that still effects my family to this day were something a person actually wanted to boast about.  Now, I don't mention this for "pity party" purposes. Just an acknowledgment that because of my continued health issues I have not had the opportunity to be as productive or had the same energy level as my peers.  All the health stuff culminated in liver transplant surgery in 2010.  I've been healthier-ish since, and am trying to get in even better shape than ever.  So things have been looking a bit up in the health department.  Sadly though the new liver did not come with a full refund of the years that I spent too sick on and off to do much.  It didn't magically mean the credit card was paid off.  It did not result in a new car.  (Shame too, because although a new lease on life is great and all, a new car behind door number one would have been nice as well).

Anywho, I felt oddly connected to two Youtube personalities I follow.  

Earlier today the gamer guy known as "Markiplier" posted a picture of himself to twitter.  He was laid up in a hospital bed with an NG tube up his nose and he looked a bit pale.  I guessed immediately what was going on even as he eluded to the issues being nothing serious.  Later in the day, he posted an update detailing what had happened to him, and I basically had guessed it spot on.  So hooray to me.  I have all too intimate knowledge of what was going on with the guy.  Not that this was something I really wanted to ever connect with some one about, because who wants to see another person go through that kind of pain and illness?  It made me think though that here is this guy who is not much younger than me going through situation similar to me...and he's successful and will overcome this and be back to his occupation of Youtube gamer soon.  I know to some that this might sound silly or something to poo-poo, but the guy is hilarious, engaging, and interesting to watch.  And obviously he is learning skills in video production and sound editing that will be of use later in life should he decide to stop doing the youtube thing.  Because from what I can tell, you need to be pumping out a fair amount of at least half-way decent content in order to make it on youtube.  Speaking of people who are pumping out content and practicing skills that will be transferable....

Another one of my favorite personalities to follow/watch on Youtube is Pat the NES Punk. It might sound like a goofy name, but that is part of the fun.  If you haven't seen his stuff before, check out his series "Flea Market Madness" in addition to his humorous reviews.  Low budget-schmo-budget, I'll take his stuff over whatever over-produced content IGN or Kotaku pumps out--but I digress. The point is, he put up a video the other day updating fans/followers of his Youtube channel on how things were going and tell them about upcoming content.  He's pretty much a one man crew pumping out a variety of content from retro game reviews, the "DIY" type show about hunting for game bargains in flea markets, a twice monthly podcast, and a retro game history show--to name just a few things.  The guy looks beat in the update video.  From what I can tell he's a pretty in shape guy, but even being fit doesn't give you limitless energy.  Again, in a way I felt like I could relate to what he was going through.  It was a video with apologies as much as updates, basically saying sorry that the behind the scenes work was not showing as results (as of yet) on his Youtube channel.  That's just the way it is though if you are the one doing it all while trying to maintain/build a brand and content.  I felt especially bad for the guy because there were a host of comments made about the video on how he "looked high" or my 'favorite,' "dead inside."  Just sad that people don't seem to grasp how much work can go in to the behind the scenes work of a project.  Authors don't pop out fully formed books that are totally edited and ready to eat up shelf space at your local bookstore.  Famous filmmakers don't magically make movies out of thin air.  Why should it be expected that a Youtube personality can just churn out incredible content like a machine?  I don't get it.  

But I do get a bit of hope from these guys stories.  Why do I get hopeful?

Well, it's hard some times to think about all the opportunities that I may have missed while sick.  I wanted time to myself to write my children's book.  I thought off and on about doing game reviews on the side.  I thought about doing my own blog to talk about writing and things I had learned about writing.  I thought about doing a podcast and even did some research into what microphones would work best.  I even thought about getting my own website on the side.  None of this happened though.  I just went to school.  Went to work.  

And...went to the hospital.

I was sick, needed a transplant, and got one.  I plan on having a much longer post on this come the anniversary in July, but in the mean time....

Things have changed quite a bit in my life over the past 18 months.  For starters, my beautiful little girl was born. And that was pretty much the big boost I needed to get started on those things that I had always just thought about doing.  So I've been getting freelance writing jobs, doing some personal writing, writing a kids book, working on a podcast with my brother, and in general working on my dreams in a way that I had begun to worry were slipping forever away from me.

Exhaustion inevitably comes with the territory.  I get that, and always assumed that. In a way this form of exhaustion--feeling tired because I get to chase my dreams full force--is something I've also had a chance to only dream about as time passed.  Weird to think of looking forward to getting tired and worn down, but I say without irony or cliche' that I have never been happier.  True, it leaves almost nothing for social life, which kinda sucks, but I don't want to just sit around talking about my plans unless I've actually been following through on them.  I don't want to be hypothesizing about the things that might happen in time.  Right now those things ARE happening for me as I write this.  How do I know this?  Because I AM writing this.  sitting at my computer, plugging away and taking a break from the writing jobs to wax on about how busy my life is and how it has been going.  Not meant as a brag, just me saying that I am happy to be exhausted in this way.

I wonder if those guys I mentioned are contented like this too.  Yeah, I'm exhausted, but I don't mind.
I'm getting to work on my dreams.

Speaking of which...
Time to get back to work.