Which Way to the Yelling Room?

Pressure provides an excellent motivator in almost all things.  You want to be pushed to do more, excel in what you can, and try your hardest in all you do.

At least until everything starts to pile up and you need to scream.

You know, to relieve tension and such.

Since college I have learned to not only work well under the pressure of a dozen things going on at once, but also learned how to thrive when it happens.  The upside was that even with getting sick (this was pre-transplant), long hours for school studies, and what I will term "wacky" scheduling from the management of my old retail job; I was getting things done.  I was working on my writing, doing the odd freelance job, and trying to keep up the cleanliness of my home.  The only downside, it seemed, was that things would come crashing down the minute I was hospitalized and too sick to work on projects.  Naturally, all the juggling balls don't juggle themselves, and the moment you step away everything falls apart.  However, nearly 5 years away from that liver transplant, and I realize that something else was happening during those years when I had so much going on.

I was getting hooked on having too much to do.

Odd thing to say, but I think it is possible to get addicted to having a full to the brim plate of ideas, projects, and chores to work on.  On the one hand, it keeps you from being lazy and you are forced to not waste time.  On the other hand, you never really have free time to relax, so you can get hyper stressed at the drop of a hat.  I have decided I would like the best of both worlds, please?

I need to have that pressure to keep me working, keep me on task, but not so much that I wish I had a third bedroom at home just so I could have protracted screaming sessions to alleviate stress.  What I want is knowing that I have things to do during the day, but at the end of the day have accomplished them for the most part.   Funny thing, this is more type A then type B.  I guess my type B tendecies come out in that I am always thinking of something new and exciting to do--but the type A side pops in and says it must be done by day's end or I've failed to get things done for the day.   I want to have a day where I don't feel rushed, but also don't feel like I could be a lump and just waste a few hours and not have it effect things.  (Barring vacations of course, because we all need time off.  I'm talking strictly the daily grind type stuff.)

So anywho, which way to the yelling room?  Because it would appear between a fantastic job opportunity (if I get it), personal projects with the Junk Journals, hoped for work from a revitalized CaptainKYSO, and my work on creative writing projects for my children's fantasy novels--I'm a little busy and have a full plate.

I guess last week was the right, wrong week to get sick.  But it's okay.  Because sometimes a bit of pressure, even extreme pressure, can be a good thing.

Taking the Long Road to Short Trips (Part II)

      So, as I said before, I don't want to waste my life or the time given to me.  I want to utilize my ability to write both so I can engage in fun, entertaining creative endeavors.  I would also like to use my writing in a practical way to help provide for my family and put away a little at a time for my daughter's college fund.  To that end, I need to start "producing more product" so-to-speak.  I need to get more basic writing jobs and I need to work more on the creative projects that I love.  However, I have a huge stumbling block to this as I mentioned before, which is the knick-knack-paddy-whack-junk-and-stuff that is around my home.  So now that I'm over a year out from my last day at my retail job and have the opportunity to work from home, I find myself doing more work ON the home than in it, in a manner of speaking.  Why not just ignore it?  Why not get some work done that I want to get done?

     Well, this is the work I want to get done, because if I don't then I can't get work done.  Do you get what I mean?  It's not just a general lack of focus or drive, it's that I can't get from point A to point B without actually travelling over that distance.  For me, that distance involves my share, and what seems like several other people's share, of cleaning and de-cluttering.  I want to know that when I look up from my writing the only things that will be really vying for my attention will be my daughter's baby photos and a small (VERY small) collection of oddities that I have long used for inspiration while writing.  Personally, I feel like in the end whatever writing I get done won't feel nearly as fulfilling as it could if I know that I can't unwind at the end of the day because I have cleaning to do.  For the record, I know that with a little one in the house, there will always be cleaning to do.  But there are things that should have been dealt with a while ago that I could never get to thanks to the former job.  Now it may sound like I am laying a large amount of blame on that job for a messy home, and yeah, oh heck yeah I am.  This will be something I talk about in my Junk Journal book.  The truth is it agrevates me both at the old retail job and at myself for letting it get to me.  I allowed the old job to make me chase after countless doo-dads and thing-a-ma-bobs as a distraction.  Although I had a freelance writing job with a tee shirt company (an opportunity that I am still ever-grateful for), I never got in writing of any other sort.  I wasn't putting nearly as much as I wanted to into the career that I really wanted to follow.

So now that I have this opportunity to keep moving forward in my writing career, why choose to slow down for stuff that built the basis for holding me back?  Why occupy my time with this junk around me rather than writing?  Well, in one of life's ironic twists, I have something to write about as I come out of the experience.  I want to de-clutter and clean up, but I need the catharsis and closure that will also come with writing about the junk that I am donating and disposing of.  If I just toss it out whole sale in attempt to be done with it, I feel like that will be the old way, the old, terrible job winning in the end.  Not only would it have robbed me of time with my family, time building my career, but it will have given me nothing to show for it.  So I guess that is my writing lesson to be shared for the day.  All those cliches' about writing from your pain and frustration have some truth to them.

I could probably write a whole book about the daily struggles that my past health issues gave me.  I could do a mini-series on what it was like those final months leading up to the liver transplant that saved my life.  Maybe some day I will write more about that.  What I need to write about now is the long road that I am I taking.  Ah, the post title, now I finally get to it, right?  I am taking the long road of frustration and annoyance and heartache that will come from going through all this junk.  But I choose it because it is the only way it can be done.  In the end I will end up with shorter trips to the ol' writing table or whatever metaphor best fits here.  It may sound silly to keep thinking about how the former retail job pushed itself into my life, but it ate away at me just as much as my liver disease and declining health did. In a way, that retail job took much more and gave far less then my sickness did.  But whatever little good that it did, I am going to squeeze what I can from it and write about it as best I can.

   

Doing Five Things at Once, None of Them is getting Sleep

So, I worked a bit more on blog entries for Bloggmutt, searched out jobs on Odesk (nothing hilarious to report sorry to say), watched the little one and read stories to her, did some basic cleaning, and made meals for the family.  It was a full day, and looks like it will have to keep going strong in order to make me feel like I've gotten somewhere.  Part of me would really like to call it quits for the night and just play some Nintendo, but if I do that then the articles won't get written.  I've tried talking to them about it, begged the writing to be more self-sufficient and the like, but they just don't seem to want to get done on their own.  Despite the busy levels I'm experiencing, I keep thinking I need to get more sleep at night in order to be productive.  I am getting tired and unable to function much past midnight anymore, which for an insomniac means a whole lot of brainless Star Trek Deep Space 9 Watching and whole lot of not getting work done.  Sometimes I indulge in a bit of gaming, but for the most part it feels like I am not really up to working as late as I use to while I was in college.  But the thing is, it hasn't as much to do with physical tiredness as much as it has to do with needing an extended break.

Allow me to clarify what I mean by needing a break.  I don't just mean that I'm using late night as my break time during the day, or night rather.  I guess what I mean is that I feel like I need an extended break from how my life had been for the past several years.  Just a few years ago I was working 30-40 hours at a retail job that was pretty insidious in its treatment of me, going to college full time, slowly dying of liver disease, and trying to work on my own writing from time to time. When I finally was transplanted a few years ago, I still had the soul-stealing job and abysmal hours.  The few upshots were that I had a second chance at life and I had a secondary job doing creative write ups for a tee shirt company called CaptainKYSO.  Great working for them, I hope they make a comeback soon.  However, I only could squeeze in a little time with my wife from time to time, was still trying to find ways to squeeze in working on my own writing projects, and was generally missing out on church activities thanks to the evil job.  Now though, I get to work from home doing my writing and trying to find writing jobs, and I get to spend more time with my wife then I did when we were first married, I get to be a dad to an adorable little girl...and the list goes on.  So things are definitely looking up, more than they have in a long time.  I still am busy, not quite as much as before, but busy in a better way.

True, I need to work harder to help make ends meet, but it is much more satisfying working jobs here and there doing what I love then getting steady work doing stuff I hate.  I can fill up my day in ways that are satisfying and when I end up being up late and not getting sleep, it is on my terms and not out of necessity.  I could go back to having a hectic schedule if I wanted to impose that on myself.  For right now though, juggling five things on a daily basis feels like taking a break.  You've heard the old saying that sleep is over-rated?  Well, in my case it feels true.  But not because I am seeing my life bled away by a horrible job, bad health, and lack of joyful things to take part in.  This period right now, busy as it is, feels like a period of blessing and I don't want to take it for granted by sleeping it away.  Yeah, I might be groggy through some portions, but it's a welcome weariness.  If that makes sense.

Anywho, I promised my wife I we'd watch "The Wind Rises" tonight, so I think that this may be the last bit of writing for the evening.